Restless
by joanorbis
Summary: Santana has moved into Rachel and Kurt's flat and is bored. Rachel arrives home in confusion from an interesting audition which raises long buried memories.
1. Chapter 1

_Still staring out that wall like it's a window_

 _And hold your sides like your insides might let go_

Restless - Tanya Donelly

Santana lay on her bed and stared at her phone. She unlocked the screen again, willing there to be a new notification but, as had been the case for the last two hours, there was nothing. Huffing in frustration she slammed the phone down onto the bed and settled her hands on her stomach. She began drumming a pattern out onto it and hummed along, not entirely sure what song she was attempting, not really caring as it was giving her mind something to do. After a few minutes she tired of that as well and sat up with a sigh.

She glanced idly around the room, taking in piles of clothes, books and magazines, briefly entertaining the idea of tidying them up before dismissing the foolish notion with a snort of derision. She hopped off the bed and padded barefoot out into the kitchen.

Once there she realised she had no idea what she had come out here for but decided to have a look through the fridge anyway. She stared at it's contents for a good few minutes before deciding she definitely wasn't hungry, and now she was cold. She was just thinking that perhaps standing in front of a fridge in just her bra and a pair of boy shorts wasn't the greatest idea when the loft door slid open.

"Santana!" Rachel shrieked in alarm. "Must you always parade around the apartment in such a state of undress? What if I had brought someone home?"

"Please, Berry, like you ever bring anyone home," She scoffed, turning to face her roommate with her hands on her hips. "And as if they wouldn't enjoy the view?"

Rachel's face coloured slightly as her gaze dropped to her chest. Admittedly her bra was a little see through, and the cold from the fridge had made her a little perky, but Santana was not expecting the girl's gaze to linger quite so long.

"Maybe they wouldn't be the only one enjoying the view, huh?" She quirked her eyebrow suggestively.

Rachel snapped her eyes back up in annoyance and stomped off to her room, her face now bright red. Santana smirked and followed her, chuckling slightly as the curtain was drawn in her face.

"Come on, Rach, don't be that way," She whined, pulling the curtain back just in time to see Rachel throw herself face down on the bed. "I'm bored. Play with me?"

"Please, Santana," Rachel moaned into her pillow. "I have had a very long and stressful day and I just want to lie down."

"Well that's okay," Santana drawled, leaning against the wall and folding her arms over her stomach. "I know lots of games we could play lying down."

"Santana!" She squeaked, sitting up with an affronted look on her face. "Must you be so…?"

"What?"

"God, nothing. Never mind." Rachel flopped down on her back with an arm over her eyes.

Frowning slightly, both at the ridiculously dramatic gesture, and with actual concern for her friend, Santana took a step further into the room.

"What's up, Tink? Something happen?"

"No. Yes." She sighed and dropped her hand to her side. "Maybe. I don't know."

"Well do you, ah, want to talk about it?"

Rachel looked up at her in surprise. "With you?"

Santana rolled her eyes and sat down on the bed. "Well, duh. Unless you got Hummel hiding under your bed, of course with me."

"Really?"

"Come on, Berry." Santana huffed, already regretting her decision. "It's not that weird."

"Well actually, it kind of is." Rachel said uncertainly. "Santana Lopez voluntarily giving me free reign to talk, at length, about my problems, and not a hint of sarcasm in sight...I would say this definitely counts as 'that weird'."

"You're right." She growled, standing up and walking towards the door. "Forget I said anything."

"No, wait, please!" The shorter girl called after her. "I'm sorry, it was lovely of you to offer and I'm sorry I made it...weird. Please come back?"

Santana stopped in the middle of the room and sighed before turning back to face her.

"But, ah," Rachel dropped her eyes down to the floor. "Please could you put some clothes on first? It's a little, um…"

"Distracting?"

"Yes. No!" Rachel's face flamed up again. "It's just you...I...I would just feel more comfortable if…"

"Alright, Berry, don't get your panties in a wet bunch, I'll throw something on." Santana smirked as she wandered back to her room to a string of admonishments. She plucked a black tank top from the pile and pulled it over her head before grabbing a pair of shorts off the bed. She went to put them on then thought better of it. There was no fun in making Rachel too comfortable, was there?

She sauntered back into the other girl's room, raising her arms above her head and doing a twirl.

"Better?" She asked, turning back to the bed just in time to spot Rachel's gaze lingering on her ass.

"Er, yes. Thank you." Rachel muttered, pulling a pillow into her lap.

"Okay then." She smirked, throwing herself onto the bed next to her and propping herself up with one arm. "Spill."

"It's stupid, really." Rachel murmured. "I just had this audition today and, well, I think that, er, well...I don't think that I was…"

"What?" Santana asked, fingers skimming idly across her stomach.

"Well, the role requires certain...things that I don't have much experience of and I'm just not sure I was...convincing enough."

"Okay." She frowned, not really sure where this was going. "Well, did they tell you no?"

"No." Rachel shook her head. "In fact they want to see me again, and I have to read with...someone else, but I…"

"Well, shit, Rach, that's good, right?" Santana reached out and rubbed the other girl's knee. "You can't have been that bad if they want to see you again?"

"Well no, but this next one is going to be more...interactive and I've never, um, well, the part is, it's, ah…" She stared at Santana's hand distractedly and tailed off.

"What?" She asked after what seemed like an hour, throwing her hand up in exasperation and plonking it back down on her stomach. "A murderer? A drug addict? A psychotic cheerleading coach? Come on, Rach, you're an amazing actor. Whatever it is, just act like it! You'll be great, I know you will."

Rachel looked up at her and smiled sweetly, her cheeks tinged pink. "You're right, thank you." She flopped back down on the bed with a relieved sigh.

"You're welcome. " Santana smiled over at her, her fingers resuming their idle pattern on her stomach. "See? Not weird at all."

"No, not weird at all." She laughed in reply.

"So what's the part?"

The laughter stopped and Santana could feel her roommate tense from a foot away.

"Oh. It's not really...it doesn't matter."

"Jesus, Rach," She chuckled. "Seriously, what's the part? Something really freaky?"

"No, not freaky."

"Well what then?"

"Lesbian."

Santana's fingers stopped in their tracks. "Oh." She shot a sly look over at her prone friend. It was a strange angle. She could sort of see up her nose. Not the best view to gauge what was going on in her head. It did look a tiny bit like she had stopped breathing.

"So," She said slowly. "Now it's a bit weird."

"A little bit weird, yes." Rachel agreed quietly.

"And, er, this interaction...you have to kiss someone, yes?"

"Yes."

"A female someone, yes?"

"Yes."

"And you've never…?"

"No."

"Oh." So. This evening had turned out less boring than she had originally thought. Santana lay there for a few moments in quiet contemplation. Should she suggest it? Was that what Rachel was hoping for? Was that what she was hoping for? She couldn't deny that she had thought about it, but Rachel was her friend. Her straight friend. Who had been checking her out all night. Wait, was that research? Santana didn't know whether to feel impressed or violated.

"Well," She said, clearing her throat. "It's not much different from kissing a guy. Well, I mean it's totally different, but the mechanics are the same. And I guess stage kissing is different anyway."

"Yes, I suppose you're right."

"Wait, you said you don't have much experience?"

"What?" Rachel lifted her head slightly to look over at her.

"Before, you said the role requires certain things you don't have much experience of. Whereas now you're saying you don't have any?"

"No, I said I never kissed a girl."

"Which is…" Santana could practically hear the penny drop in her mind. Well, holy shit. "Wait, are you saying you've had a big lesbo crush?" She sat up. "On who? Wait, let me guess. Oh my God, was it Quinn? I bet it was Quinn!"

"Santana!" Rachel cried, throwing the pillow at her.

"It was, wasn't it?" She laughed and scooted up the bed, poking the other girl in the side as she went, causing her to squeal in irritation.

"Santana Lopez!" Rachel yelled, sitting up and swatting her hand away as she attempted to tickle her again. "You are being incredibly juvenile."

"Come on, admit it! You were gay for Fabray!" Santana laughed, attempting to evade her hands as she flinched away with every strike.

"I did not have a crush on Quinn Fabray!" She growled as she succeeded in catching Santana's hands and pushing her back onto the bed.

"Then who?" She laughed again, slightly taken aback at the shorter girl's strength as she found herself pinned down.

"You, you idiot." Rachel said from above her before dropping her eyes in embarrassment and moving away.

Santana's stomach did a little flip at the words and her laugh died in her throat.

"What?"

"Stop trying to tickle me, I hate being tickled." Rachel muttered, straightening her top and shuffling further away.

"Hey," Santana said softly, sitting up and putting her hand gently on the other girl's shoulder. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"Don't be ridiculous," She scoffed, shrugging her hand off. "It was obvious you didn't like me like that, in fact it was obvious that you didn't like me at all."

"Rachel…" Santana felt shame welling up inside her.

"It doesn't matter. Just forget about it. I did." She stood up and smoothed down her skirt. "I'm hungry. Are you hungry?" She barely glanced back before heading out quickly to the kitchen.

Santana felt awful. She didn't know what to do. Rachel Berry had a crush on her in high school? How had she not known about it? She had seen Rachel Berry with a crush in high school, several times, and it was scary. It was certainly not secret. The way she had behaved around Finn, Jesse, even Mr Schue...but around her? And she had been such a bitch to her.

She sighed and followed Rachel into the kitchen. She had her head in the fridge and was rummaging around noisily.

"Rach, I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"I told you, it doesn't matter."

"Of course it matters!" Santana threw her hands up. "If I'd have known I wouldn't have…"

"What?" Rachel slammed various vegetables down on the counter with her back to her. "Slushied me? Called me awful names? Slept with the one person who actually did like me?"

"Rach…"

"Or maybe you're right," She turned to face her, angry tears starting down her face. "Maybe I should have just told you. Maybe I should have just said 'Hey, Santana. Here's an idea, please don't call me Hobbit, or Manhands, or Treasure Trail, or throw drinks in my face cos every time you do it feels like my heart is breaking.' And maybe you would have stopped. Or maybe you would have laughed in my face and told the whole damn school that Rachel Gayberry had a big lesbian crush on you. Which do you think is the most likely option, Santana? Really?"

"Rachel…" Santana took a step towards her, guilt burning her face.

"Don't." She said quietly, swiping uselessly at her face before shoving the food back in the fridge. "I'm not hungry after all. I'm going to bed."

Santana caught her hand as she walked past.

"Please don't." Rachel said softly, leaning away but not moving. "Just let me go."

Santana pulled gently on her arm and reached out to wipe the tears off her face with her other hand. She pressed a soft kiss against one eyelid, then the other, and slowly lifted Rachel's chin up so that she could kiss her lips. Rachel said nothing and kept her eyes closed, silent tears still rolling down her face, but her hand twitched slightly in Santana's and some of the tension dropped out of her shoulders, giving Santana the courage to try again. This time she kissed her a little more insistently and felt the shorter girls face tilt up to meet her own. She brought her other hand up to grip the back of her neck and was rewarded by Rachel's lips parting and her hands rising up to claim Santana's waist.

The kiss intensified quickly and all coherent thought left her mind, everything in her just rushing towards Rachel, wanting to touch and kiss and claim every part of her. She felt her emotions pool in the pit of her stomach, then melt down below and shoot back up to her brain. She moaned into Rachel's mouth as her fingers threaded through her hair. Rachel's hair. Rachel's mouth. Rachel's hands on her ass and scratching up her back, Rachel's body pressed up so tightly against hers they felt molded together.

Fuck, what was she doing? Her eyes snapped open in panic, her heart beating faster than she had ever known. She pulled away as gently as possible and rested against the shorter girl's forehead. She needed a moment to think and catch her breath. It was obvious that she had hurt Rachel more deeply in high school than she could ever have possibly imagined and she felt terrible about it, there was no way she could let that happen again. She needed to be sure.

Santana opened her eyes again to see beautiful, wide, chocolate brown ones staring up at her, tears and hurt still evident in them, but something more now. Trust? Hope? Her stomach flipped again, but her heart clenched along with it and she struggled to understand what she was feeling.

As if sensing something was wrong Rachel dropped her hands and went to walk away, setting Santana into a new panic which had her reaching out for her hand again.

"Where are you going?" She managed to croak out.

Rachel turned back with a confused look. "To bed? I told you."

"But...don't you want to talk about this?"

"I told you, it doesn't matter." She said with a sad shake of her head. She pulled her hand away and walked back into her room, leaving Santana standing in the middle of the living room in confusion.

What the fuck was going on here? How was she suddenly the one that wanted to talk about things and Rachel the one pushing it all away? Had she actually fallen asleep earlier and this was all some sort of fucked up dream? Judging by the increasingly uncomfortable wetness in her underwear, and the fact that she had just been indulging in an extremely intense make out session with Rachel Berry, it was a strong possibility but she hoped not. God, did she hope not. And now Rachel was walking away. Nuh-uh. Not going to happen. All at once her confusion cleared and she stormed over to Rachel's room.

Santana wanted this, she really did. Suddenly she realised that she had always wanted this, that her actions towards Rachel in high school had been born partly by her intense denial and frustration about who she really was, and partly because of the well buried realisation that Rachel was someone who brought it out of her. She realised now that she had always been aware that Rachel was attracted to her, and that she had been attracted right back.

"Hey!" She practically shouted as she pulled Rachel's curtain back, causing the girl to spin round with a look of annoyance on her face. "Stop saying that! Of course it matters. Did what just happened out there not matter to you?"

"What, your pity kiss?" Rachel practically spat. "Don't insult my intelligence, Santana, you said yourself you never say no."

Santana took a step back, hurting worse than if Rachel had slapped her. "Fuck you, Rachel." She swore quietly before pushing her way back through the curtains, sudden tears blurring her vision.


	2. Chapter 2

_You hold my hand like it's a razor_

 _And hold your eyes with mine in a gaze more like a vice._

 _Are you restless baby?_

Restless - Tanya Donelly

Rachel let out the breath she hadn't realised she was holding and sank down onto her bed, head in hands. What the hell had just happened? The day had started out the same as always, morning routine, breakfast, dance class… and then she had been approached by Catherine Thompson and asked to try out for the new play she was putting on. Of course, she had eagerly agreed and ditched her next class to read through the script Catherine gave her.

That was when things started to go a little strange.

The script had been excellent - well paced, amusing, dramatic, challenging themes - but it raised feelings within her that she thought were long since dealt with. At first she brushed it off, her infatuation with Santana had just been a silly schoolgirl crush, she knew that now. She had recognised it for what it was and filed it away in her emotional memory bank to draw on in her future life as a Tony winning Broadway star.

She had just not realised that she would need to draw on it so soon, and she was certainly not prepared for how it would make her feel. She had told herself that she was just going through the acting process, calling the feelings close enough to the surface to shine through and add emotional realism to her performance. She was over this. For goodness sake, she lived with the woman now, and there had never been any kind of problem! Well, except for when she had brought that...that...person home a couple of weeks ago. But that was only a problem because they were drunk and loud and she had an early start the next day, no other reason. And they were so loud. When at last she had been able to fall asleep the noises from the next room had caused some quite vivid dreams which she had not appreciated. Well, at least she had not appreciated knowing the reason for the sudden reintroduction of sex dreams about Santana was hearing her have sex with someone else.

Rachel had felt confident going into the audition and at first felt like she was performing to her usual excellent standard, but then she came to a line that she had tried to skim over as it made her feel uncomfortable and she didn't know why.

"I just find it so hard to be around you, but impossible not to be. When I get here and I don't see you I look up every time the door opens, just hoping that it will be you. I remember something you said or did when I'm walking down the street, or sitting in class, and it makes me grin like an idiot and people ask me what's up. I can't stop thinking about you, even at the most inappropriate times. It's like every song is about you, every story that someone has to tell can be linked back to you, or something that you've said. And I have tried so hard not to feel this way, not to want you like this, because I know you don't want me, but I just don't know what to do. Tell me what to do?"

At this point Rachel had lost control of herself a little bit and, to her embarrassment, found that she could not continue in response to her cue. She had laughed it off of course, and they had obviously liked her as they asked her to come back and read with the actress who was playing the other part. Who she knew. Who was slightly taller than her with an athletic build and long, dark hair. Who she would have to kiss.

She had walked home in a state of confusion. Why was this bothering her? It was just a play, it wasn't like she was really going through all this again. These feelings were old, dealt with, all a part of growing up and having hormones rushing through you like a whirling dervish of lust and misery. She didn't think of Santana that way any more. Did she?

But then, God, when she had got home. Santana might as well have been standing in the kitchen naked for all the modesty her underwear afforded her. She had no idea what the girl had been doing just before she opened the door but her pert nipples and cocky stance had made Rachel's mind go to a far filthier place than it had been in many years…

Rachel huffed out a sigh and lay back on the bed. Why had she told her? It was ridiculous. What was she possibly hoping to achieve? In all honesty she hadn't intended to tell her, she had just felt a bit awkward talking to Santana about how uncertain she felt in her ability to portray a lesbian accurately, and was worried that she might feel like Rachel was asking her for something. But then she had started teasing her about Quinn, as if she would ever have a crush on Quinn!

She laughed to herself at that thought. Because Quinn's behaviour towards her had been so much worse than Santana's, right? God, Santana. Rachel had never been able to understand the power she held over her. Every insult, every slushie, every vicious act had made her heart twist in her chest then beat like the wings of a trapped bird, and every smile or accidental meeting of their eyes would make it soar. When they had been in New York for Nationals she had genuinely believed that the girl was starting to warm to her, and she had begun to think that maybe something could hapen. Of course, that was also the moment Finn had chosen to start pursuing her again and, after "the kiss that missed", Santana had completely lost it with her, yelling at her in Spanish for what seemed like hours and having to be physically restrained. Rachel's brief slither of hope had died that day and she had sworn she would never let herself hope again. And she hadn't.

Until tonight.

Rachel's stomach did a little flip just thinking about it. She had gotten so angry, so upset and Santana was just...when she touched her she felt those old feelings come roaring back, like someone had poured petrol on a fire that had long since died out, only to discover an ember hidden in the ash. And then she had kissed her. God, Rachel had tried to resist but the flames kept rising and she quickly found herself engulfed in them. What she had felt made her dreams seem tame by comparison and she had never wanted to stop, she never would have stopped if Santana hadn't pulled away. But the look in her eyes...Rachel wasn't exactly sure what it was but it was definitely enough to give her the strength to walk away, to preserve what was left of her dignity.

She had never expected Santana to follow her. She wished with all her heart that she hadn't, that she had given Rachel the time to get her feelings under control before they spoke again. But now she had been cruel and Santana was upset and Rachel was...well, she honestly didn't know what she was feeling.

She sat up and tried to prepare herself to go and speak to the girl. She had no idea what to say, what to do, how to act. Santana's actions, all of them, from being so gentle with her after her confession, sweet almost, to trying to have an actual conversation about it, to kissing her so fiercely, to pursuing her when she ran off, had all just left her feeling so unsure, so confused.

Why had she pulled away? Rachel was hers for the taking, surely she could see that? More to the point why had she kissed her in the first place? Why couldn't she have just been her usual self and made fun of her about it? That would have been easier to take than her pity.

She heard a banging in the living room and then the tell tale rattle of the loft door sliding open. She jumped up and crossed the room quickly, then stopped right before the curtain. She couldn't do it. She couldn't bring herself to stop her from leaving, couldn't bear to see that look on her face again.

The loft door slammed shut and Rachel's hand dropped from the curtain. She sighed and returned to the bed, a heavy feeling in her chest. That was that then. Santana has left the building.

She sighed and flopped back down onto the bed.

* * *

She woke with a start, heart thumping in her chest and her breathing unsteady. She had slept fitfully, images and snatches of song flashing through her mind. Red, white and black, water and fire.

She heard the rattle of the door and an unsteady grating as it was pulled slowly open, the sound of someone stumbling and a soft curse. A glance at the clock on her nightstand told her it was almost 4am. She raised her eyes to her curtain as the door was closed, heart pounding in her chest as soft footsteps began to close the distance between the door and her room.

As they stopped outside Rachel realised she was holding her breath. She felt the heat start up in her belly again, felt it pool between her legs. Everything in her was calling out, everything except her voice. She wanted desperately for Santana to come to her, to kiss her again, to just be with her, but she couldn't speak out. She thought about the last time her voice had failed her - her NYADA audition. Why was she thinking about that now? The only thing the two moments had in common was that she was terrified.

There was a soft sigh from outside and the curtain rippled slightly, then another small noise and soft footsteps walking away.

Rachel lay back down gently, letting out a shaky breath as bitter tears sprung to her eyes.

* * *

"Hey Rachel, thanks for coming back in." Rob smiled at her.

"It's an absolute pleasure." Rachel beamed back. "Thank you for seeing me again."

She dropped her bag in the corner and walked over to where Rob, Catherine and a woman she had never met were sitting round a table.

"Carla will be joining us shortly," Catherine explained. "She just sent me a message to say she got held up. In the meantime do you have any questions for us?"

"Oh." Rachel looked over at her, unsure how to proceed. She was nervous as hell which was unusual for her, and although she knew the reason behind it she had been hoping to just get it over with. "Well, maybe you could give me an insight into the character? Like how did she come about? Is she based on someone, or…?"

"Well, yes, actually," Catherine began, blushing slightly and glancing quickly at the woman to her left. "Karen and I wrote the play based on our own relationship, how we started out."

"Oh!" Rachel glanced between the two of them, colour creeping up her own face. "So, you two got together in high school?"

"Yes." Catherine smiled as her partner took her hand. "It was difficult, as you probably gathered from the script, but thankfully we got our happy ending."

"But in the script…?"

"Well," Karen took over. "Although the characters and a lot of the events in the first act are based on us, on our story, we know that many others are not so lucky, and that high school is a difficult place to be who you are."

"It was hard, being out in high school." Catherine continued. "But nowhere near as bad as coming out. And when you meet someone else who forces you to confront those feelings it's so terrifying! The constant panic that they'll know what you're thinking, the hope that they feel the same way, the realisation that if they don't and you say something they will have knowledge of the thing that you've been crying yourself to sleep over, the thing that could make you an outcast not just at school but at home as well. And unfortunately a lot of people we have met since weren't as fortunate as we were."

"This story is really for them." Karen finished, a strange look on her face as she studied Rachel.

"Sorry I'm late," Carla called out as she shut the door behind her, throwing her bag into the corner as she strode across the room. "God, but that Cassie July is a bitch."

"No problem." Catherine smiled easily as she leaned across the table to kiss her cheek. "Karen and I were just getting Rachel up to speed."

Rachel tore her eyes away from Karen's scrutiny and stood up to shake Carla's hand.

"Hi, Rachel." Carla beamed, knocking her hand away and pulling her into a hug. "Ready to make out with the hottest girl at NYADA?"

She winked and gestured up and down her own body. The act was so reminiscent of Santana that Rachel almost laughed at the absurdity of her situation.

"Of course." She giggled. "I can't imagine a better way to spend the afternoon."

"Excellent." Rob laughed. "Let's get on with it then, shall we?"

* * *

Rachel's mood was buoyant as climbed the stairs to the loft. The audition had gone extremely well and she had been offered the part as soon as they had finished. Carla was incredibly easy to work with and had put her at ease immediately. Aside from the superficial similarities to Santana the two women were nothing alike, Carla was free and open with her emotions and preferred to talk at great length about the complexities of love and attraction. And when she kissed her she felt nothing. Thankfully, she might add. If she had felt the same things she had experienced whilst kissing Santana she was sure the audition would have become incredibly uncomfortable for everyone in the room…

And now she was home and Santana would probably be there. She paused outside the door and took a breath. She really needed to apologise for last night so they could move past it and try and reestablish their friendship.

She slid the door open quickly and was greeted by the sight of a half naked Santana. Again.

"Don't panic, I'm just trying to find my top." The girl muttered, turning quickly and rifling through her laundry bag. "I'll be out of your hair in a minute."

"Oh," Rachel replied, her disappointment coming as something of a shock. "You're going out?"

"Yup." Santana said, pulling a tight fitting black t shirt over her head as she made her way to the bathroom. "Friday night, Berry. Places to go, people to see."

"Yeah, it's just I was hoping we could, you know, talk?" She positioned herself awkwardly just outside the bathroom door as Santana hastily applied her eye makeup.

"Nothing to talk about, Berry." Santana said dismissively, glancing briefly at her in the mirror. "It doesn't matter, right?"

"Santana…"

"Look, I'm kind of in a rush here." She said, puckering her lips and checking her reflection before exiting the room and moving to go past her. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Santana." Rachel said again, taking hold of her arm as she walked past.

Santana stopped, leaning away from her and not looking back.

"I'm sorry." Rachel said quietly. "About what I said. About…" She searched for the words to explain how she felt, how she regretted walking away, not talking about it, about not reaching out to her when she got home.

"It doesn't matter." Santana said quietly as she pulled away and walked out the door.


	3. Chapter 3

_Still staring out that wall like it's a window_

 _Hand on your heart like your trying to keep it quiet._

 _Are you restless baby?_

Restless - Tanya Donelly

Santana stormed into her own room and wiped angrily at her face. This was such bullshit. What the fuck was going on here? How was she the one in tears? See, this was just more proof that nothing good ever came of trying to talk about your feelings.

She stalked over to her pile of clothes and grabbed a pair of jeans. Fuck this. There was no way she stay in this crappy loft tonight. She needed to be drunk, stat. She grabbed her jacket and pushed through her curtain, then realised she had forgotten her shoes. Turning back around her eyes stopped on Rachel's curtain. She paused, suddenly unsure. Maybe she should go back, try and talk to her again? Obviously Rachel was upset, she knew that. She was embarrassed and angry and had lashed out. Santana had said and done way worse to her in the past, and she was right, there was absolutely no way that Rachel could ever have told her.

No, fuck that. It was a totally different situation. She pushed through her curtain and grabbed her boots, sitting on the bed and zipping them up angrily. She had been a scared kid back then, afraid of what was happening to her and lashing out like a wounded animal. It didn't mean she didn't feel terrible about it, especially in light of Rachel's confession, and if she could take it all back she would. Although, in her defence, high school Rachel was incredibly irritating at times. And what Rachel had said tonight...well, it wasn't even what she said as that wasn't actually true. That whole "never say no" comment she had made was a joke, admittedly a joke that backfired when everyone just accepted it without question. It was the fact that Rachel had thrown it back in her face when they were in the middle of an incredibly difficult and personal situation that made it so hurtful. She thought Rachel knew her better than that. Apparently she had been wrong.

She walked back out of her room and over to the door. As she slid it open she stopped and looked over at Rachel's room again, willing the girl to come out, willing herself to go back, to try and fix this. No, if she tried again tonight she would just make it worse. Besides, it didn't matter, right?

She sighed and walked out, her anger leaving her and a much heavier emotion settling in it's place.

* * *

The girl pulled her close and pressed up against her as they danced. This was supposed to be making her feel better, instead it was making her feel pathetic and like she was everything Rachel believed she was. Why was this happening to her?

Yesterday she had been fine. Sure, she was bored and not really sure where her life was headed, but she was in New York, the possibilities were endless. She was young, single, insanely talented and hot, what could possibly go wrong?

Rachel Berry. That's what could go wrong.

Santana sighed and excused herself. The girl looked disappointed but shrugged and turned to find a different dance partner, leaving Santana free to head off to the bar and continue her journey towards oblivion.

She ordered a shot of tequila and a double Jack Daniel's, smiling briefly at the hot girl making eyes at her before turning away.

"Fuck you, Rachel." She muttered as she downed her shot. This was all messed up. Where had these feelings come from? You don't just go crazy for someone because they tell you they had a crush on you in high school. I mean, sure, she had had the odd thought about Rachel over the years, but who wouldn't? She was smart, beautiful, sweet, actually very funny once you got to know her, and had a voice that did unmentionable things to her lady parts, not that she would ever admit that to anyone. And that body that she had hidden away under those godawful clothes… Just after Santana had moved into the loft she had come out of her room one morning to find Rachel bent into a very suggestive yoga position in the middle of the living room in an outfit that left little to the imagination. Santana had felt very much like a cartoon character the way she had reacted, and had had to quickly fake a coughing fit to disguise the strangled moan that had escaped her body before she had had a chance to regain control of it. But that didn't mean anything. Nor had the dream she had had that night. Well, sort of a dream. She had been kind of half awake.

She groaned and drank some of her bourbon, enjoying the way it burned down her throat. She knew she would have to deal with this eventually, but not tonight. Tonight she would wallow.

* * *

The door was being difficult. Mean door. She pulled on it again and then giggled to herself as she realised that she hadn't unlocked it. Extracting the key from her pocket with great care she focussed on the lock, smiling in triumph as she felt it give.

"Ssh!" She whispered to herself as she tried to open it quietly and failed. She tripped over the runner and swore quietly as she reached behind her to close the door. She pulled her boots off as quietly as she could given her current inebriated state and tiptoed across the loft. Before she knew what she was doing she found herself outside Rachel's curtain, her hand raised to open it. She sucked in a breath and managed to stop herself.

Maybe she should just do it? Maybe she should just go in there and show Rachel how she felt about her? No, she couldn't do that. Rachel thought she was a slut and would assume she wanted to fuck her out of pity or something. She hated that Rachel thought that about her, not that she could blame her, she had not exactly done anything to deny her reputation in high school. Better to let people think she was a slut than have them realise she was gay, right? It was just that she thought she and Rachel had become close over the last six months, and for all her faults in high school, basing her opinion of people on gossip and stereotypes had never been one of them. Rachel had always known her own mind.

So that left only one reason she would have said it. To push Santana away. This may all be new to her, this acceptance of her feelings towards Rachel, but Rachel had been dealing with it for...well, she had no idea how long. She realised that she had no idea when Rachel had started having feelings for her, or even if she still felt the same way. She had said that she had forgotten about it but Santana had just assumed that that was a lie. What if it wasn't? She had been engaged to Finn, after all.

Oh, you fucking idiot. No wonder she pushed you away. Santana took an unsteady step back and dropped her hand, causing the curtain to ripple softly. She choked back a sob and brought her hands to her face to try and stop any more from breaking out. Great, now was just a perfect time for her to get all weepy drunk.

She shuffled back to her own room as quickly as she could whilst drunk and blinded by tears and flopped down onto her bed. Unbidden, Rachel and Puck's performance of Need You Now started up in her head and as she slammed her eyes shut the visuals kicked in as well. Rachel had been so hot in that performance, she couldn't keep her eyes off her and she had been sure the dumb jock sat next to her could hear how erratic her breathing had become. God, how had she been so blind?

She punched her fist into the pillow weakly and cried herself to sleep.

* * *

Santana had spent the day searching the internet for a job and somewhere to live whilst simultaneously trying to deal with her hangover. As a result she was running late for her date. Ugh, her date. She didn't even want to go anymore, but she felt bad cancelling on the girl at such short notice. It wasn't her fault Santana had had her blinkers ripped off the day before they had arranged to go out. And who knows, maybe it would be fun?

She rolled her eyes at herself as she threw her towel on the bed and rifled through her underwear drawer. Of course it would be fun. She was Santana Lopez, she was made of fun, and she had a date with a hot girl. She pulled out her lucky bra with a smile to herself and started looking round the room for the rest of her outfit. She could do this. She could. This thing with Rachel was just stupid and she needed to get over it. She pulled on her jeans and looked around for her top. She really needed to tidy up.

Well, packing up her shit in preparation to move out would certainly take care of that problem, she mused sadly. She shook her head and headed out into the kitchen to find her laundry bag, although God knows why she had left it there.

The door slid open and suddenly Rachel was there. Shit. She looked radiant. Radiant? Come on, Lopez, really?

"Don't panic, I'm just trying to find my top." Santana muttered rummaging through the bag and grabbing the first thing she could find. "I'll be out of your hair in a minute."

"Oh," Rachel replied. "You're going out?"

"Yup." She said, thanking her stars that it was a plain black t shirt she had grabbed and not something ridiculous. She practically ran to the bathroom in an effort to get out of the loft as quickly as possible. "Friday night, Berry. Places to go, people to see."

"Yeah, it's just I was hoping we could, you know, talk?" Why was Rachel following her? It was making her incredibly nervous. Her hands were shaking for fuck's sake, she could barely hold her eyeliner let alone apply it.

"Nothing to talk about, Berry." She said dismissively, glancing briefly at her in the mirror and trying to get herself under control. "It doesn't matter, right?"

"Santana…"

"Look, I'm kind of in a rush here." She puckered her lips and checked her reflection. Steeling herself she turned quickly and headed for the door. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Santana." Rachel said again, taking hold of her arm as she walked past.

Shit. Her heart started to beat wildly in her chest. She could barely breathe. What had Rachel done to her? She really needed to get out of here.

"I'm sorry." Rachel said quietly. "About what I said. About…"

About what? About throwing her into a pit of despair and confusion? What? God, why had Rachel suddenly lost her ability to speak? This was too much. It was all just too much.

"It doesn't matter." Santana said quietly as she pulled away and walked out the door.

She yanked it shut behind her quickly and headed down the corridor. She got as far as the first floor landing before realising that she hadn't picked up her jacket and would most likely freeze before she got as far as the subway. Fuck. Okay. Now she had the option of continuing on and potentially spending her date in hospital being treated for hypothermia or going back into the loft to get her coat and possibly being drawn into a conversation with Rachel.

Rachel.

She sat down on the step and put her head in her hands. What the hell was happening to her? It wasn't even that she didn't want to talk about it, she really did, it was just that she was so scared of what the girl would have to say. She had spent all day looking for somewhere else to live because she had managed to convince herself that Rachel didn't want her, and frankly that was information that could wait. She had been the one pushing for them to talk about this yesterday, she didn't just need to jump when Rachel clicked her fingers. So why the hell was she so sure that leaving now would be a catastrophic mistake?

Santana sighed and pulled out her phone.

 _I'm really sorry but something has come up._

She tipped her head back and drew a breath before standing up and turning around. With a heavy heart she walked back up the stairs, pausing outside the door to the loft. Rachel wanted to talk. That was a good sign, wasn't it?

Santana took a deep breath and pulled the door open. The space was empty. She could simply grab her coat and leave if she wanted to. But she didn't want to. She pulled the door shut and stepped into the room.

"Kurt?" She heard from behind Rachel's curtain.

"No." She answered after a moment. "It's me. I...I changed my mind."

She moved slightly forward then stopped, her body conflicted. She didn't know where to put herself. Should she go to Rachel, or wait for Rachel to come to her? This was ridiculous, she was behaving like a nervous schoolgirl, and since she hadn't behaved like this when she actually was a schoolgirl she'd be damned if she was going to start now. She squared her shoulders and started towards Rachel's curtain, arriving just as Rachel stepped out.

Her eyes were red, her face was blotchy and Santana's heart melted at the sight of her. She had no idea how she had managed to deny her feelings for this girl for so long but she was never going to let herself do it again.

She slid her hand gently into Rachel's hair and pulled her close, their mouths meeting with such intensity that it took her breath away. She poured everything into the kiss, everything she wanted to say, everything she couldn't and hadn't said for so many years, all the regret she felt for taking so long to figure it out and how badly she had treated Rachel in the process, and all of the hope that she felt that this was the start of something she had been waiting for her whole life.

She pulled away gently, desperate for breath and feeling slightly light headed, and noticed that they had somehow ended up on Rachel's bed. She was lying half on top of the shorter girl with her leg sandwiched between hers. That would explain the light headedness, then. She swept the hair out of Rachel's eyes and smiled down at her shyly before dropping a soft kiss to her now swollen lips.

"I'm glad you came back." Rachel whispered, her voice thick with emotion as she ran her thumb across Santana's cheekbone.

"I'm glad I came back too."


	4. Epilogue

Epilogue

Santana pulled her scarf tighter around herself and scowled at the wind. Why did it have to be so fucking cold in this damn city? She could practically feel her nose glowing and Rudolph was definitely not the look she was going for, even if it was coming up to Christmas. No me gusta.

"Watch it, Short Round." She snarled at the person who barged past her. That was another thing, why did there have to be so many people here? Sure, New York was great and everything but that didn't mean everyone had to come here all the time. She was running late, for God's sake, couldn't they all just get out of her way?

Finally she made it to the coffee shop and pushed through the door angrily, shaking the snow off her coat. Damn this weather. Damn this city. Damn this shop, why was it so hot in here? Great, now her nose was running, that was attractive. She wiped discreetly at it and glanced around, eyes sweeping over the freaks and weirdos til she saw her.

Quickly all her irritation melted away and a smile lit up her face. She pushed her way through the crowd, barely even noticing them anymore as Rachel smiled back and waved.

"Hey you," Rachel said into her ear as she wrapped her in a hug, instantly causing her heart to race. She felt a soft hand stroking her cheek and lips on her jaw. She pulled her girlfriend into a kiss and slid a hand into her hair as it deepened.

"Hey yourself." She said a little breathlessly as they parted. "I'm so sorry I'm late. It's crazy out there."

"That's okay." Rachel laughed, taking her hand as she sat down.

"Why are you laughing?" Santana asked, scrunching her nose up in annoyance.

"I'm sorry, baby, I guess I'm just still not used to Santana Lopez apologising to me."

"What?" She asked in confusion, casting her mind back over their brief conversation. "Oh God, I totally did, didn't I? I am so whipped…"

Rachel laughed harder and leaned in to kiss her again. "Apparently so. Now get your butt over there and buy me a latte."

Santana growled at her playfully and stood up to take her scarf off. "Alright but I'm totally paying you back for that later, Berry."

"Or maybe I'll pay you back." Rachel husked, pulling her closer by her scarf and looking up at her sinfully.

"God, Rach…" She just about managed before all her blood rushed south.

"If you get me my coffee…" Rachel whispered before pulling on her earlobe with her teeth.

"Hmm…" Santana murmured from her stupor.

"Santana?"

"Hmm?" She managed to snap her eyes from Rachel's lips to her eyes.

"Coffee?" Rachel smiled deviously.

"Rachel Berry, you are so bad…" Santana shook her head and headed towards the counter, smiling as her girlfriend's teasing laugh rang in her ears.

How in the world had she ended up here? Six months ago she had been bored and lonely in New York City, ready to take on the world, chew it up and spit it out as she rode her wave to the top, and now she was a singing waitress in a diner and completely crazy about a girl she had mercilessly tormented in high school, apologising to her for being five minutes late and standing in line to fetch her coffee. She laughed and shook her head before ordering their drinks and moving to the side to wait for them. She turned to look at Rachel again to see her smiling at her sweetly. Goddammit, she was so whipped.

She turned back to the counter and began to take her coat off, cursing in irritation as her arm got caught up in it.

"Goddammit," She swore, shaking to pull herself free, shimmying and wrenching as the fabric refused to give. "For fuck's…"

Suddenly her hand came loose and she felt a split seconds relief before her hand connected with flesh.

"Jesus!" The person who she had just punched in the face swore. She whipped around quickly to apologise but was silenced as her brain struggled to realise who she was looking at. "Santana Lopez. Long time no see. Not exactly how I thought I would be seeing you again."

"Fuck, Christa, I'm...a...I'm really…" Santana covered her mouth with the back of her hand and stifled a laugh. "Ahem, are you okay?"

"Sure, fine." Christa smiled, rubbing at her face. "I'm sure a black eye will do wonders for my image."

"God, I'm such an ass." She smiled and dropped her eyes to the ground. "Although in my defence my coat was trying to kill me."

"Yeah, well, you sure showed it who was boss." The girl smiled at her. "So. You never called me back."

"Ah, yeah," Santana replied with a bashful smile. "I'm sorry I bailed at the last minute, it was, ah...something came up."

"Yeah, you said that in your message." Christa jerked her head towards where Rachel was watching intently. "Is that it?"

"Is that what?" She asked, frowning in confusion.

"Is that what came up?"

"Ah…"

"Ah…?" Christa smirked. "Is that a no or a yes? I guess it has been a while. I'd like to hope it was, after all you missed out on all this for her." She gestured seductively up and down her body.

Santana smiled and shook her head. "Yeah, well she was worth it."

"Ouch." The girl pouted, running her hand through she short, blonde hair. "She sure doesn't look like much. Kinda short. Big nose."

"Hey, shut up, she's beautiful." Santana's eyes snapped up, all her humour gone.

"You think so?" Christa asked, her own nose scrunching up in contemplation.

"I know so." She snapped back, squaring up to the other girl. "In every way, everything about her. I've never met anyone like Rachel and I doubt I ever will again. She is the sweetest, kindest, most caring person you could ever hope to meet, and I'm am the luckiest person I know because she chose to be with me."

"Woah, girl," The blonde laughed. "You got it bad. You're totally whipped."

"Not whipped." Santana smiled back. "Just in love. I love her."

"You love me?" A quiet voice said from behind her.

"Shit." Santana mumbled, eyes going wide in embarrassment and fear.

"And that's my cue to leave." Christa smirked. "Nice to see you again, Santana. Rachel."

She nodded as she passed her and Santana heard her chuckling to herself.

"You love me?" Rachel asked again.

"Ah, Rach, I'm sorry," Santana muttered turning around to face her. "I didn't know you were standing there."

"Why does that matter?" She asked, her eyebrows furrowed.

"Because." Santana shook her head and stared at the floor, desperately willing it to open up and swallow her whole. "I, er, I didn't want you to hear it yet. Not like that."

"Americano and a latte for Santana?" The barista called out. Santana could have kissed him for breaking the tension but settled for reaching forward for her drinks. She was stopped by Rachel moving in front of her.

"I'm sorry, we're going to need these to go, please." She told the barista.

"Shit," Santana swore under her breath. She had really fucked this up, she couldn't believe how stupid she was. How was this happening to her again? For someone so adept at hiding her feelings she certainly picked the worst times to let them out.

"Put your coat on, Santana." Rachel's voice snapped her out of her downward spiral of self loathing. "We're leaving."

Santana shoved her arms into her coat and jerked it on, furious with herself and with Christa for even drawing her into that stupid conversation in the first place. Now she was glad she had stood her up, even though she was about to have nothing to show for it save a freshly broken heart. She followed Rachel blindly out of the coffee shop and into the bitter wind. Suddenly she became aware that Rachel was talking to her.

"What are you doing?" She was asking. "Put your scarf on, you'll freeze out here."

Santana felt two cups being shoved into her hands as she stared blankly down at Rachel.

"Are you okay?" Rachel asked, reaching up to wind the scarf around Santana's neck.

"I didn't know you were there, Rach, I'm sorry."

"What are you sorry for?"

"For freaking you out! She just got me so mad and it just came out and I…" She was cut off by Rachel pulling her in and kissing her so passionately that her knees shook and the street started to spin around her. When they parted it took her a few seconds to regain her senses and when she did she found herself gazing drunkenly into Rachel's eyes, their foreheads pressed together and their breath creating a cloud of fog between them.

"I am so in love with you it scares me sometimes." Rachel said quietly, her hands still holding Santana's face. "You have no idea how much hearing you say that means to me."

"You love me?" Santana repeated dumbly, her heart dancing to it's own insane rhythm in her chest.

"Yes, Santana." Rachel said firmly, a shy smile playing on her lips. "I am totally, head over heels, crazy in love with you. So much so I was on my way over to slap that blonde bitch for flirting with you."

"But…" Santana looked down at the two cups in her hands in confusion. "So why…?"

"Because," Rachel smiled wickedly and took her drink back. "I really want to show you how much it means to me and I didn't particularly want an audience."

"First time for everything." She smirked.

"Come on, Lopez," Rachel linked her arm through the taller girls and dragged her down the street. "You are about to get so lucky."


	5. Extra

"Rachel? Are you awake?"

The voice filtered through her dream. Somehow she knew it didn't belong there but it sounded so good she decided to follow it.

"I really wish you were awake," the voice said with a sigh. "I can't sleep."

Rachel's eyes opened slowly and her stomach tightened as the fingers that were tracing gentle patterns there dropped slightly lower. Her breath caught in her throat as her lower body moved involuntarily towards the teasing hand and she woke up.

"Lucita?" Her girlfriend whispered, lips ghosting the shell of her ear before kissing softly against her neck.

She stretched, yawned and turned over onto her back, kissing Santana sleepily before wrapping her arm around her.

"What's wrong, baby?" Rachel asked, pressing a kiss into the top of Santana's head as the restless woman snuggled into her side, laying her head on Rachel's chest.

"Nothing, just can't sleep."

"Nothing, huh?" Rachel asked, eyebrow raised. "Nothing about tomorrow?"

Santana sighed and ran her hand over Rachel's stomach in silence for a few moments.

"Santana?"

"It's stupid, I know," she sighed, absently running her thumb over Rachel's breast and causing her breath to quicken. "I just can't stop going over and over it, thinking of every possible thing that could go wrong."

"It's not stupid, baby," Rachel said gently, trailing her fingertips up and down her girlfriend's toned bicep. "It's a big day for you. It's only natural you would be worried about it, regardless of how well you planned it."

"Yeah, I guess," she sighed again. "I just wish I could sleep so I could be fresh for it."

Rachel kissed the top of her head again and stroked her back. If you had asked her five years ago to describe how Santana Lopez prepared for a potentially life changing event she would probably have envisaged a night of wild partying followed by a short nap, not a doubt in her mind that everything would be fine. She had always made everything seem so effortless. Now, after being in a relationship with her for nearly four years, Rachel knew the truth about this amazing woman and the uncaring, effortless attitude was even more of a facade than she had expected. Santana cared very deeply about a wide variety of things and, along with a boatload of natural talent, she put a massive amount of effort into everything she attempted, obviously the reason she usually succeeded.

Thankfully their time together had given Rachel a few more insights, for example how to get that passionate, scarily smart, busy brain to switch off for a while and let the woman she was in love with get some sleep. Slowly she let her fingers move from Santana's bicep down to her stomach, blunt nails dragging up slightly until they met the swell of her breast, her thumb running over the goosebumped flesh to brush across her nipple.

Her breath hitched and her body flexed slightly, her hand stilling on Rachel's stomach. As Rachel continued her actions Santana raised her head, dark eyes burning into her as she moved up Rachel's body and pulled her into a kiss, raking her fingers up Rachel's side in the way she did that sent a bolt of lightning straight to Rachel's core. She moaned into her mouth and reached down to grab Santana's thigh, pulling it between her own legs and sliding her hand up to her ass as the passion of their kiss intensified. Her stomach lurched as she felt Santana's arousal on her thigh and she idly wondered how long she had been trying to wake her up and if this is what she had been thinking about as she tried. The thought sent a flood of arousal to Rachel's core and she squeezed her hand slightly, pulling Santana into her as she pushed up gently with her thigh.

"Oh, fuck, Rachel," she said breathlessly, her hooded eyes snapping shut as Rachel repeated the action, drawing a guttural moan.

Rachel moved her lips along her jaw and down her throat, flexing her thigh whilst slowly moving her hand up along Santana's hip and down her stomach, teasing her way down and hovering just a fraction away from where her girlfriend needed her to be. Santana's eyes snapped open, pleading with her silently, her breath ragged, chest heaving and hips thrusting into her erratically. Rachel pulled her into a searing kiss and plunged her fingers into the hot wetness, Santana's desperate moan into her mouth causing her hips to snap up in response. She slid her fingers up and danced around Santana's clit, falling into a rhythm that had the latina moaning soft Spanish curses into her ear, something which was building the pressure between her own legs to an almost unbearable level. Her other hand slid down Santana's back and held her in position as she pushed up into her, desperate to feel her girlfriend intimately pressed against her centre.

Santana's eyes snapped back to hers, drunk with arousal as she kissed her heatedly and dropped her hand suddenly, pushing deep into Rachel with a force that made her gasp before letting out a guttural moan as Santana wrapped her arm around her and curled her fingertips up inside her, almost taking her over the edge, her need answered so decisively.

"Oh, God…" she managed, her head forcing itself back into the pillow as Santana kissed up and down her neck, fucking her with her fingers and circling her clit with her thumb. "Oh my...fuck...baby...San…"

She squeezed her ass, pulling her into her as she tried desperately to regain control of her body and finish what she had started. After all, this was supposed to be about Santana, not about her, and with a superhuman effort, as Santana had pretty much melted her brain with what she was doing, she focussed on the movements of her own hand and concentrated her efforts on the point that made Santana cry out her name brokenly before running her hand into Rachel's hair, pulling her into a bruising kiss as they pushed against each other, their movements increasingly erratic, their harsh breaths turning to moans which gained in pitch and intensity until they shattered against each other and rode out the waves clinging to each other like they were lost at sea.

Rachel stared up at the ceiling, watching it ripple slightly as her eyes went in and out of focus, her hand grasping Santana's hair as the latina drowsily kissed her face, occasionally flexing her fingers inside her and causing Rachel's body to react like it had been shocked. Eventually she pulled her into a tender kiss and drew her fingers out softly, tangling their legs together and draping her arm over her stomach before settling once more on her chest. Soon after her breathing began to even out and Rachel smiled softly to herself as she kissed the top of her head and continued stroking her hair.

"I can feel you smiling," Santana murmured drowsily. "You think you know me so well."

"I don't know what you're talking about, baby," she smirked.

"The hell you don't," Santana replied, with a smirk so big Rachel could feel it against her chest. "I love you, lucita."

"I love you too," she kissed her again, her lips lingering as her heart swelled. "Now get some sleep."

Rachel glanced over at the clock as she listened to Santana drift into unconsciousness. 3am. She had to be up in three hours if she wanted to get everything ready by the time they left. She would be exhausted for the rest of the day but it would be worth it. Waking up to calm her down was also worth it, so worth it, she thought as her stomach fluttered with flashbacks. What was a little exhaustion to make sure Santana's big day went as well as it could? She looked down at her slumbering girlfriend and smiled. Santana Lopez was definitely worth it.


	6. Chapter 6

Long overdue

Rachel slammed the door shut and turned around, swinging her bag from her shoulder and throwing it into the corner with a cry of frustration. Her rage partially vented she faced the wall with her hands on her hips, panting hard as she tried to calm herself down.

"Rachel?"

She spun round at the sound of the concerned voice, her heart in her mouth as her hand shot to her chest. "Goddammit, Santana! You almost gave me a heart attack!"

"I do live here," she replied, stepping into the dark kitchen, her brow furrowed with concern and a hint of annoyance.

"Obviously, but I didn't expect you to be home so early."

"It's seven thirty, Rach."

"I know what time it is, Santana," she sighed, running her hands through her hair as she crossed the room and flopped down on the couch. "It's just you're usually still at the office until at least eight."

"Yeah, well," Santana muttered, the sound of the faucet not quite masking her affronted tone. "I wanted to be home on time today."

Rachel sighed again and lay her head on the back of the couch, the events of the day rushing through her mind and keeping her rage bubbling just below critical. After a few seconds she felt something cool touch her cheek and her eyes shot open in surprise, a smile dancing on her lips for the first time in what felt like years. She took a deep breath and turned around to kneel on the couch, taking the glass of water from her girlfriend's hand and reaching up to pull her into a kiss.

"Thank you," she whispered, leaning her head against her shoulder. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Lucita," Santana replied softly. "Just tell me what's wrong?"

"I just had the worst day," she sighed again and turned back to sit on the couch, pulling on Santana's hand to get her to join her. "The director is an asshole and won't listen to any ideas I have about the part. If I play the character the way he wants me to I will lose all emotional resonance with the female audience less than halfway through. I keep trying to tell him that but he won't listen! Honestly, I didn't think there was anything worse than mansplaining but I have found it. Simonsplaining."

Santana snorted out a laugh and stood up. "Come on," she smiled as she pulled Rachel up after her. "I have just the thing to take your mind off it."

"Please, baby," she whined as Santana led her across the apartment. "I'm not in the mood right now."

"What? No, not that," she tutted, grabbing her coat off the hook and sliding the door open. "I'm taking you out to dinner."

"That's a lovely thought, San," Rachel replied, stopping in her tracks and pulling her back. "But really, I just want to take a bath, order takeout and watch a movie. Preferably something where a female character puts a male one firmly in his place."

"Ordinarily I would be totally on board with that plan and have at least twenty movies queued up on Netflix for you, but I really need you to just go with this right now."

"Santana…"

"Please, Rachel," she said, taking a step towards her and running her hand over her cheek. "Just trust me?"

Rachel sighed wearily, tilting her face into her girlfriend's soft touch. There was honestly nothing she would rather do less than leave the apartment right now but she knew Santana didn't throw that request around lightly. "Of course," she sighed, kissing the heel of Santana's palm. "I trust you with my life."

* * *

Rachel pulled her coat on and smiled halfheartedly at their waiter as she walked towards the door. She looked up at the caricatures of some of her favourite actors, not even their smiling faces able to draw her out of her funk as she pushed heavily on the door and exited Sardi's. Santana fell into step next to her, tapping a message into her phone before shoving her hands deep into the pockets of her coat. Rachel shook herself in irritation and linked her arm through the other woman's, squeezing her bicep as she kissed her shoulder.

"Thank you for dinner, baby. I'm sorry I am so distracted."

"It's okay." Santana said as she squeezed her hand with her arm. "I just…"

"I'm just so angry about it it all, you know?" Rachel said, the whine in her voice angering her even more. "I mean, how dare he treat me like that? How dare he talk to me like he understands the female theatregoer better than I do?"

"I know, Rach," she replied wearily as they turned down a side street. "And I understand, I do, I just think…"

"And especially to talk to me like that in front of the cast," she spat. "I honestly don't think I have ever felt more patronised in my life. And we had Will Schuester teaching us for three years."

"True." Santana laughed.

"I just cannot understand how anyone, even the most misogynistic of men, could believe that playing Nora like she doesn't want to leave Torvald, that she is somehow being manipulated into doing it and still desperately loves him could ever be a valid interpretation!"

"I know, Rach, you said that already."

"I know I did, Santana, but it bears repeating," she said, anger boiling up in her once more. "And the way he went about 'dismantling' my argument...honestly, if you had been there I have no doubt I would be bailing you out of jail right now."

"You're probably right," Santana said, her tone clipped. "But I just really wish you could forget about it for a minute because…"

"Forget about it?" Rachel spat, pulling her arm away and throwing her hands up as they turned another corner. "How am I supposed to forget about it? I have to perform this role in less than a month and I can't in good conscience do it the way that my director wants me to!"

"I know that, Rachel, and I would be so mad if you did, I just…"

"You would be mad?" Rachel laughed harshly. "Much as I value your opinion, Santana, it's more about what the critic from the New York Times would have to say in all honestly, not to mention the fact that the run would be over in less than five weeks once word of mouth got out that I was playing Nora as…"

"Rachel, could you just…"

"No, I can't! I can't calm down and I won't! I cannot and will not compromise my artistic integrity just to please some director on a mission to make a name for himself by subverting…"

"I'm not asking you to, I am asking you to stop…"

"I know you think I am making a mistake here, Santana, but you wouldn't…"

"Will you just shut up and look at me?!"

Rachel stopped in her tracks, Santana's words echoing through the quiet street in the still night air as sharply as a slap. Shocked, she started to turn around slowly. In all the years they had been a couple, through all of their arguments, she had never heard Santana sound so desperate. She looked at her girlfriend's face apprehensively and saw her eyes were closed, her jaw clenched and her chest rising as she took a deep breath. As Santana exhaled slowly she opened her eyes and Rachel's heart clenched in fear as she saw the sadness there.

"I'm sorry," she murmured as she stepped forward and took Rachel's hands. "I just really need you to listen right now."

Rachel stared down at their joined hands, her mind racing as she realised Santana was shaking. Bile hit the back of her throat. How had she not seen this coming? She thought they were happy and in love. Sure, Santana had been working long hours recently, but she was working on a big story. She searched her brain for the warning signs, tears forming behind her eyes as she stared up at the sky and thought back over every recent interaction.

"Rachel," Santana said, her voice sounding as small and scared as Rachel felt. "Please look at me."

Rachel took a small shaky breath and tried to prepare herself for the blow, her eyes slowly raking down the dark building behind Santana as she felt warm hands squeezing her own.

"This is not how I wanted this to happen," Santana began sadly. "And with what you're dealing with right now I know I should have postponed it, but I really don't want to. I know that's kind of selfish but I've wanted to do this for a while now. Some days it's all I can think about."

"Santana, please," Rachel whispered, the words like a dagger to her heart.

"I'm sorry, I wanted tonight to be perfect, and I know it could never…"

"Please," she sputtered, raising her eyes to the building in an effort to stop herself falling apart.

"Do you know what day it is?" Santana asked quietly after a moment.

"What?" Rachel asked, confusion momentarily overriding her heartbreak. She dropped her gaze to meet Santana's, her head spinning as she saw fear in the other woman's eyes.

"The date," she repeated slowly, her eyes glistening as she tried to smile.

"Uh," Rachel's brow wrinkled as she tried to force her brain into gear. Two words lit up on the canopy of the building opposite and drew her attention away as she tried to make sense of them. "What?"

"It's July ninth," she said quietly, squeezing Rachel's hands again gently. "Six years ago today you changed my life completely."

"What?" Rachel repeated stupidly, her gaze snapping back to Santana.

Santana smiled nervously and took a breath as she withdrew her left hand and reached into her pocket, pausing slightly before dropping one knee to the pavement and pulling out a small box. Behind her four more words lit up below Rachel's own name, six words in lights on the canopy of a small, off off Broadway theatre that meant more than any other words had ever done before or would again.

"Rachel Berry," Santana said, her voice shaking as she snapped open the box. "Will you marry me?"


End file.
